Consider Maria, a 42-year-old mother of two. She grew up in a home that was "loud." Doors slammed. Fists pounded. Love was conditional, given when grades were good and withdrawn when she talked back.
Equality is a political ideal. Safety is a biological need. When no one is driving the ship, everyone gets seasick. The "top" in a loving home environment is the one willing to accept the social punishment of being called "controlling" so that everyone else can feel held . a loving home environment pure taboo top